The wonderful world of hormones...

I have always known I was a little crazy, but who isn't... right? Everything has been strange for some time now. Looking back, I was crazy not to see the signs. Somewhere, somehow, we knew I was pregnant but our brains didn't accept it. We had several conversations with people over the past month, friends here on base about getting pregnant that now seem to be almost foreshadowing. Not long ago did a friend get pregnant and the comment was made that we would be next. Only a month ago I was talking to my friend during a massage about how crazy people become when harassing new mothers with unsolicited advice and told her the story of how my Grandmother and Great-Grandmother lied about their real names (a story for a later time). When Joe and I were in Rome, we even looked into buying a Christening gown from a local tailor as something 'cool' to have as an heirloom to pass 'someday'. So it should have come as NO surprise when I turned out to be pregnant that entire time.

When I posted on FB that I was exhausted, as I had done so many other months this past year, I ignored all the comments about potential pregnancy because frankly, after a year of trying and being let down with negative tests even after symptoms showed up, I just didn't want to hear it. It seemed to be for everyone else, but not us. And I was okay with that. But geez, couldn't I just post a simple statement about feeling tired without people jumping into my nightmare? I guess not since they turned out to be right! Now I will never live it down.

I have never in my life cared so much about every single little sensation I felt during the day, nor do I normally then proceed to analyze if it's 'normal' or not. That, is what you call, crazy. Doctors say it's hormonal. You say tomato, I say, well you get the point. In two weeks I've gone from ecstatic, to exhausted, from sick and tired to just a little off, from social to hermit and it's all these damn hormones. I am now one of those pathetic ladies who cries for no reason, (who by the way I used to make fun of). You know I'm not me when I even, for a fleeting moment, considered the "deceptively delicious" diet - until I realized of course it still meant eating things that resemble trees. Thank GOD some of my senses are in tact as I made some diet compromises instead and am using parts of the suggestions. =) Baby steps.

I suppose the part that makes this so strange is that I'm away from everything I know. People have opinions and people give advice but until you've been away from your mother, your aunts, your grandmother, your friends and even your Daddy while you're pregnant, NO ONE can understand what it's like. Before I moved here, I imagined the life... frequenting the local beaches, enjoying sangria and paella, reading books constantly and doing all the things I never could find time for. I never paused to think about the cons. I never thought about the distance, the homesickness for not only people but everyday things we take for granted stateside... the ability to get diner food at 3 a.m., being able to get a softserve ice cream or a decent slice of pizza, being able to stroll and shop in stores without a translator, hell being able to deliver in a hospital with specialists on staff and not 45 minutes away in a foreign hospital.

Living overseas has its good points but when you're hormonal and want to be around your family, no amounts of comforting or 'suck it up' messages make you feel any better. Sometimes you just need the real thing. And the hardest part for me is that even if I go home to those comforts I long for, some things won't be reached, like my Grandmom, who I have to say I miss more than ever right now. I was so relieved when she lived to see me get married and was so grateful for that when she passed, I didn't bother to think about the next step without her. I can't beat myself up too much for putting this off so long though since I did exactly as she always suggested, wait as long as you can to get married and see the world a bit. My life reflects a bit of both and for that I have some comfort. It's just not the same.

And though I'm grateful for family and friends and comforting words, sometimes it doesn't help. Sometimes you just want to feel what you're feeling. And today I'm feeling homesick, hormones or not.